Her Warm Welcome

That's how she would stand to welcome me home whenever I come home from wherever I go, she'll never fail to sit upright and give me that look XD

I went clubbing last night and came home at about 4.30am. When my car was at the gate, there she was, standing there to welcome me even in the middle of her sleep ;) I love you, Stephie <3

When I look at the expression she has on her in this picture, she reminds me of Baby's blur face =X LOL... They look so similar! Like daddy like daughter @_@ no offense, Baby, but expressions remind me a lot about you =D

By the way, she's eight-month-old now, look how much she's grown ;)

A Piece Of Good News

Finally, a good news! XD Yea, I need one desperately right now, not that it helps very much @_@

Anyway, our OSCE results have been announced and I passed! Phew... Now I'm worried about my MEQ, I'm so dead x.x

It's pretty happy to have tutors coming in to give us commendations during OSCE feedback sessions =p

Cheers!

However, there are still a few of them who failed. I feel so sorry for them, some of them even cried in the class once they knew that they failed =(

Failing Attempts

No matter how I did my best, it's just not the best for him.

I'd given all I have, stupidly thinking that as long as I give all I have, I'll be able to work wonders with my sincerity but the current situation is always proving me wrong. I have to struggle all the time to get the things I want, why won't the things I want struggle to get me? Am I too easy to be approached? What if one day, I stop all my attempts, will the things and person I want come to me on their own?

I know, it's just all bullshit. I know for the fact that if I still want it, I must work very hard on my own to get it no matter how! This has been my principle all these while, no wonder I've been getting the things I want but I doubt that'll work in my current situation.

My friends have been urging me so much to let go of him but to be honest, I'm still holding on. Yes, you're right, Mondo. Never have I let go of it yet. I couldn't, I still want him deep inside me, I know that what I REALLY WANT. I don't want to forget him, I don't want to let go of him, I WANT TO HOLD ON.

Time limit? I seriously don't know. For as long as I still love him? Or maybe until someone turns up to pick up my dear fragile heart that broke into a thousand pieces by then? XD LOL... I myself don't know either.

Definitions Of Love

Baby, this is another post specially for you =)

I will list down the relevant definitions of love here from my Collins Cobuild Advanced Learner's English Dictionary, 2006 and I'd like to to look through and see if any of it describes your feelings for me. If any of it does, it means that you still love me and I would strongly suggest that you reconsider your decision. You may select more than one or none, if really none appears to be describing your feelings for me.

LOVE

1) Love is a very strong feeling of affection towards someone who you are romantically or sexually attracted to.

2) Love is the feeling that a person's happiness is very important to you, and the way you show this feeling in your behaviour towards them.

So does any of these describes your feelings for me? You may choose to answer me or not, it's always your choice =)

For me, BOTH truly describes my feeling towards you. Sincerely.

Although it's your choice to choose to answer me or not, but of course I do hope that you could give me a favourable answer XD Only hope, OK? I'm not forcing or insisting x.x

Who To Blame? CALVIN!!!

Yea, so used to taking all the blames. So just bring it on, Baby!

This goes wrong, Calvin's fault; that goes wrong, Calvin's fault! XD

How convenient =D

Never mind, blame me more, everyone else is doing it too, I'm SO USED TO IT =)

Hais... I'm not being sarcastic, OK? If putting all blames on me makes you feel better, please do it... I'm seriously used to it, as it's happening to my everyday life. I guess people just take me for granted all the time o_O

~Te amo, Baby~

About Baby Again XD

I have been very happy and I guess happy times don't really last? LOL...

On a Friday, 30 October 2009, that stupid Anderson just told Baby that he's not going to pick up Baby to his place anymore just because Baby's mobile was spoilt accidentally during that party and he didn't trust him. Then he called me, and in the end I went to pick him up instead. That night, he can't go home, so I booked a room at USJ9 for him. Due to Anderson's mistrust, we got back together on that very same day too =D

I was so glad and happy, we spent the next two days in that room together spending precious time =) I was really very happy! He asked, why am I always so approachable whenever he needs me? Well, that's the least I can do to protect him as my love for him was still so strong. How can that bastard Anderson treat him like that?! He's such a bugger =.=

We were good for the next four weeks, then again, shit happens x.x

I already don't feel like writing any further about shits as it depresses me. We got into another argument and this time, we're separating for real. I've decided to let him go for real this time not because I no longer love him but I have sacrificed all I have to bring him back previously and I have none left to sacrifice any further to bring him back this time as much as I want him back so badly.

I wish I could just cast a spell right now and he'll just return to me.

I can't even write now! I had a draft in my mind before I started writing but the draft just gone missing suddenly, I don't know what to write next! Shit!

Many faults happened among the two of us, which some were originated from me and some from him. I just don't understand, why I could tolerate all your faults just because I love you and want to keep us together and why can't you? If you'd really like to compare, your faults are not any minor than the faults I have. Hais... Anyway, I don't mean to blame you. I just don't understand why is it so hard for you to tolerate to keep us both together as you know very surely that we both love each other so much!

I don't know, I'm just so lost @_@ All I can do now is wait and see. I know I'm still hoping for you to come back to me, which I'm not supposed to but hard to resist that thought and hope.

There's an empty space in my heart for you all the time, it's there all the time because you branded your name on it and not easily taken up by just any others. I know I'm not suppose to say this but I don't care XD: Come back to me anytime you wish, I'll still accept you as long as I still love you, which I still very much right now x_X *My friends are so going to whack me nicely after they read this.

All the above was like a spontaneous crap, it wasn't like this in my mental draft x.x I might just come out with another post later when I could remember my draft XD

~Te amo, Baby!~

Emptiness

I don't know what to post today but yet I feel like posting something to fill up my time.

I've been spending my weekends with Baby but of course, not any more lately. It's a bit empty though but then I picked up a hobby that I used to have but left behind without any reasons XD I'm back into reading! =p

After Dan Brown's 'The Lost Symbol', I'm reading a book called 'Maximise Your Brain Power' o_O It's a book published by Reader's Digest and I thought it might help me somehow =D

I don't know, I feel like I've lost a target in life and my current aim is to gain more knowledge in the topics that I'm interested in to fill up my time and to make me a better person =) I think it's the right choice to make.

This post is pretty full of crap but I just had to post something as I feel like posting x.x I'm getting very random lately and I'd categorise my condition as rationally irrational @_@ LOL...

Yea, think about what it means. You might've gone through such stage in life before =X

~I love you, Baby!~

Rationality

I am currently in the state of being rationally irrational x.x

I don't know how many people would understand what I just wrote, but this is going to be very hard for me to go through T_T

I'd never ever dreamt that I would allow this to happen to me! I couldn't even believe that I've such level of tolerance and patience @_@

~I love you, Baby!~

Thank You!

Thank you, Baby!!!

I love you =)

Muax!!!

Chance

I have been given a chance to prove myself worthy once again, thank you for your generosity! I'll really appreciate this chance and tell you that you haven't made the wrong choice and you'll never regret giving me this chance.

I'll value this very much as it's something that I've been waiting for!

Tomorrow is the day and I'm hoping for the best =D

Despite my friends telling me not to expect too much, I must have faith. I told them, I'm not expecting for the best, but I'm hoping for it =)

He is so precious and dear to me, and I'm so anxious for tomorrow to come @_@

Baby, I WILL NOT disappoint you once again! Muax <3

~Te amo, my Baby~

End Point Of Life

I witnessed a LSCS + BTL at the OT just now.

First, please allow me to explain the short forms or jargon:

1) LSCS - Lower segment Caesarean section

2) BTL - Bilateral tubular ligature

3) OT - Operating theatre

So what happened was, there was excessive bleeding during the LSCS and the patient's BP was so low, 3x/2x was the lowest recorded. The anaesthetist of the surgery was so worried, so I guess he called for help from the other anaesthetists around and about three or four other anaesthetists came in one after another trying to help.

They did so much to keep her alive, dopamine, calcium carbonate, bicarbonate and many other drugs were used. They transfused a total of 14 pints of whole blood into her, I still have yet to mention about the amount of platelet, fresh frozen plasma and cryoprecipitate transfused, so imagine the severity of her condition.

As a Student Nurse, all I can do there was just to watch how the whole commotion took place and send the blood samples to ICU for ABG stat, I ran to the ICU back and forth for three times x.x All the results showed acidosis.

When I look at such commotion taking place, I can't help but to think of LIFE again. That patient's life was at stake, she was really at the border of her own life and she could've just died there if she didn't hold on. Blood was oozing like waterfalls, literally! The drapes, gowns of doctors and nurses, and even the floor are full of blood!

I thought, life's still life, she may just die there, leaving her husband and newborn daughter behind to mourn for her every year on her daughter's birthday. It's the sacrifice and love ONLY a mother could afford to pay to bring her children into this world. I was impressed by ALL the mothers in this world, no matter what kind of mothers they could be.

About my life, I thought, if I were to be on that table and I really died, means my life just ended LIKE THAT. I haven't done enough in life, I haven't achieve enough in life, I haven't try many things in life! How can I just die like that? I still have many regrets and unsolved issues.

Thinking about all these actually made me realise how important is it for me to appreciate life RIGHT NOW! Appreciate who you have in your life. Say, 'I love you!' to the people you love before it's too late. Never linger around a mistake or hate someone for their mistake for too long as you might just lose them the next day, then it'll be too late for you to say that you love them any more because they won't be able to hear it from you FOREVER.

So take this golden chance, if you love them, say so. Don't let anything small, little or petty get in between you and the people you love, so you won't regret in the future.

That's what I've been doing all these while =)

END *Full Stop*

Baby just called me, he told me that he really has no more feelings for me and asked me not to wait any more, and I should also not bother his life and waste his time any more.

We talked for another half an hour x.x

We have reached a conclusion, where I have agreed to his terms and conditions and I am given another chance to be put into consideration to be his brother. Thank you once again.

Right now, as long as I still have love for him, I'll wait. He can come back to me any time if he suddenly realised that he still loves me or realised that I've changed into a better person, no matter what he'd done. This is also what I told him.

While waiting for him, I won't be searching for another, I'd rather concentrate on my studies and career (after my studies). So in the future, I'll be able to make more money XD

I know I used to say that I don't want much money, but now, I need the money for my daughter and my Baby IF he really comes back =P I can't help it to be prepared =X Hehe...

From now on, I will only care for him as my brother until further notice =D

Good night and sweet dreams, my dear Baby Brother!

To Protect Or To Hurt

I remember this well as it made me realise how much my Baby actually cared for me... ...

When he found out about what had happened between IB, his boyfriend and me, he told me that he'll take revenge and protect me from all those who'll harm and hurt my feelings.

At that moment, all I can feel is security, protection, cared and LOVED!

Thank you.

Now, whatever Baby is doing is surprisingly opposite to what he said less than a month ago! I just can't believe how can a person changed so quickly T_T

No matter what, I'll wait.

Please Blame Me

'Please Blame Me'

Do anyone of you see that written on my forehead or permanently stuck to any part of my body? -.-

I just don't understand, why do I always get the blame whenever something had gone wrong?! Am I taken for granted? I'm the easiest target, perhaps?

People, please analyse the situation properly before you put the fault onto anyone =.=

I might be tolerant but there could still be a limit, please identify as I'm sure I'm not the appropriate person to identify my limits for you? @_@

If you have trouble identifying it, simply let me know and I'll do my best to guide you through the identification process promptly and politely XD

~Te Amo, Baby. I'm still waiting for the miracle to happen.~

My Plea

Dear Baby

I had been found guilty and I plea for forgiveness.

I don't know what else can I ask for from you as I'm the one who ruined your supposed-happy-forever relationship. I don't even dare to ask for anything more.

Chance is the thing that I'd asked for and we really didn't give that chance enough time to prove my worthiness. After the given chance, I didn't do anything wrong at all and you revoked it, which hurt us both so much.

I'm sorry for your hurtful feelings that I caused indirectly.

Right here, right now, I'm asking for a SOLID CHANCE to prove my worthiness. Please grant and approve my plea. My life has been agonising without you.

Give me that chance to serve you a better happy-forever relationship.

I PLEA!!!

Love

Your Honey

Great News?!

I doubt so!!!

Well, we've lost our debate, that's a genuine great news but we somehow got into the finals!!! That's not so much of a great news x.x LOL...

We managed to get in because the other group's points were lower than ours by ONE point, that's how we got in, by fart's luck =.=

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen O.o

Owh... That Same Misery?!

If you must know what will I be facing tomorrow, I'll be once again going for the miserable debate in college x.x

I really wish we wouldn't make it to the next round this time as I really don't want this misery to go on and on. Just to get the few of us to sit down and discuss is already a pain! LOL...

Anyway, put that aside for now, I'll post it here as soon as the results are announced.

This time's posting is pretty productive as I've earned many rare crosses! Woohoo =P

Unbelievable Results

This is just simply unbelievable, I got FIRST for my solo programme!!! XD Yes, you've read it right, it's FIRST! =X

I knew that I didn't do well but then... I got first?! LOL...

Let me list down what mistakes have I done:

1) I almost tripped and fall X)

2) My Backward Strokings were pretty horrible as I didn't alternate my legs towards the end of it x.x

3) My Backward Crossovers were certainly a mess =(

4) I didn't hold for 3 counts after my last T-stop >_>

5) I was definitely shaking and shivering due to nervousness XP

Look at my mistakes! Yet I got first x.x

Well, now's left with the production programme tomorrow, which is expected to get first anyway XD

Am I Ready?! *Nervous*

My coach told me that I'm quite ready for the competition already! Woohoo... She even asked if I still want lesson on Thursday x.x I immediately said that I need it as 'quite ready' doesn't seemed very convincing although it's quite motivating when it comes from her, maybe because she seldom praises me XP

Around 10pm, when everyone starts to go off, then Rachael and I attempted many spirals together, trying to do it synchronously. Although our timings were faulty most of the times, but our last attempt was a pretty good one. Quite close to each other and the timing wasn't as faulty XD

Just in case you don't know what are spirals, let me show you with the picture below.

That's a spiral, but of course we couldn't lift our legs that high YET XD I'm sure I could do it one day =p

We WON?! Oh, No....

Great ~.~

I just received news that our team won the inter-group debate in our college! We don't really want it as it's been troubling us and our team don't seem to be working fine together x.x

I personally like debate, but if I'm debating with teammates who're not able to work together, what's the point? It'll just make my life more misserable @_@

What now? Wait for the next debate >_>

On the side note, my coach just text me and asked me to go for an extra practice for my solo programme later. I guess that means I'm still not quite ready? ANOTHER 'great'...

Against The Book Judging For Me?!

See what I mean by I'm very free? It's already my third post for the day, if we include the one I posted during the midnight XD

I just found out from Skate Malaysia 2009's website that I'm no longer competing with a 21-year-old girl! Instead, I'm alone in that category, which also means they'll do the against the book judging on me! x.x

ISI judging has an "against the book" concept, in which a skater (or team) who is alone in his/her/their event competes against a standard of 80% of the possible points for first place, 60% for second, or under 60% for third.

That also means that it's not necessary that I'll get champion in my category. I could end up with second place or third place, if my performance doesn't deserve the champion or second place, even though I'm not competing with anyone else @_@

What To Do During My Annual Leave?

I just woke up about 15 minutes ago, then I thought, what am I suppose to do today? XD

My annual leave has just started, though it's only one week but I seemed to find it not interesting maybe because everyone's not free this time of the year? Or it could be, I'm so used to the hectic and busy life, which create a big difference from the VERY FREE and EASY life I'm having for a week now x.x

For now, I'm trying to grab every free chance to meet up with my baby more frequent throughout this week! =p My mom also asked me to try baking something with our burnt oven to see if it still works @_@ Her main point is, she wants me to bake a marble cheese cake some time about two weeks later for her friends as they've been requesting to try it X)

Skate Malaysia 2009 is just 10 days away and my first programme is just 12 days away! I'm so nervous and scared x_x The production programme still seems fine but I think my solo programme is still performed badly!!! T_T

A Sincere Apology

My dear Baby

Please accept my sincere apologies as whatever I did was meant to protect you. I'm sorry if you felt hurtful by it.

If you don't like anything that I've done, I only hope that you would tell me honestly and straight away. I'm sure you know very well that I'm a very straight forward person, so I would really appreciate it if you don't go around the bush x.x

I hope that we could work things out calmly next time and not by ignoring anyone of us, it made me worried more if you switch off your mobile! If only you'd tell me your problems, we could sit together and work it out and I'll be more than willing to make the appropriate changes accordingly for my dearest =)

Once again, I AM SORRY.

Love

Calvin

My Programmes' Schedule

I'm sorry for not posting so long. Well, nothing much happened, so nothing to post XD

Anyway, I'm here to tell that my solo programme for Skate Malaysia 2009 is on Saturday, 4 July 2009. Whereas for the team production programme is on Sunday, 5 July 2009!

I really don't know what to expect as it's my first time and my coach is not giving me very positive feedback! I know that I'll be competing with a 21-year-old girl x.x Let's just hope that I won't be embarrassing myself on that day, that's all I hope @_@

I'm Competing! XD

Yea, I've finally decided to compete in the upcoming figure skating competition in July 2009!

Well, for the experience, it's worth a try =)

I'm really looking forward to it, but at the same time nervous. If we're talking about cheerleading competition, I might not be as anxious or nervous, but this is FIGURE SKATING! My first time and I don't know what to expect x.x LOL...

We've already started training last Saturday, turned out to be quite fun and enjoyable =p Next training will be on this Friday, but it's an off-ice training.

By the way, I've been pretty busy lately, that's why my blog is not so frequently updated x.x

No matter how busy I am, it's all the same routine everyday and every week, so it's not that I've a lot of new updates to be posted also.

Last update, I'm on night shift this week! Woohoo XD

ANOTHER Dinner With Adrian

Yea, yea, I know... Adrian AGAIN?! LOL...

This time, he's the one who asked me out for dinner, what a surprise?! XD LOL...

Anyway, I went for dinner with him at Sakae Sushi in Sunway Pyramid. I didn't know it's so modernised there x.x They have a computer at every table and customers just place their orders through it! Fantastic!

Well, most of my friends, including my dear Dylan (I guess XD), are expecting something interesting from our meet up. However, I'm sorry to disappoint all of you, nothing happened xp We just talked a lot on rubbish x.x Then, I sent him home, that's all =)

By the way, I'll be going ice skating and watch a movie with Dylan tomorrow, it's actually today! XD Ah, can't wait to see him again =)

Am I Starting To Be Mental Or What? @_@

I took blood today! Hehe...

How satisfying =p muahahahaha...

I think I could be eligible to be admitted into a psychiatric ward soon XD

An Inspirational Figure

Nick Vujicic.

Heard of this name?

I'd like to dedicate this post to him, he's a great inspiration to me. He could literally demonstrate 'getting up after falling; and never give up'.

Just do me a favour after reading this post. Go to http://www.youtube.com and search for his name, click on any of the videos that has his name on it and watch. I don't need any feedback from you, whether is it good or not, because I already know how you'll feel about his life.

I was actually close to tears and realised that I'm very LUCKY! =)

My Friend Needs Help & Support; I'm Here! =)

Oh, my dear Sherwin...

When you told me how you're feeling, I can seriously feel it as the feeling you described to me is really similar to how I once felt when Adrian told me he found someone new although the overall scenario is different.

I feel very sorry for you.

Well, all I can say is time will bring you through. Just stay strong, hang on and you can count on my support all the time =)

I don't know what else to say because when I was like that, I also wished that no one's talking and just lend me their shoulders to cry on.

My shoulders are all yours to cry on, just ask for it from me =)

You Can Be An Actor As A Nurse, Look At The Roles We Have To Play! XD

Our tutors always say that nurses play MANY roles, and I've played the role of a maid, a waiter, a nanny, a cleaner, an educator, a vampire, someone who makes babies cry, and many more x.x Then, I've just experienced the role of translator XD LOL...

A Chinese patient was admitted, I'm not sure where she's from but she couldn't speak English nor Bahasa Malaysia well. I happened to be the ONLY Chinese in the ward, so they'd no choice but to pick to to be a translator x.x

Well, the urologist wanted to speak to the patient and tell her about her condition and the possible treatments. That's what I had to translate, I had a hard time thinking what's 'urologist' in Mandarin when he was introducing himself to the patient as that's not a common word I come across when I was studying Mandarin x.x I end up telling her that he's a 'doctor' instead XD

I'm looking forward to know what other roles a nurse needs to play @_@

Experience In The Ward

In my previous post, I mentioned PKSMC. Well, actually ALL the Pantai hospitals had been re branded x.x

So now it's known as Pantai Klang Hospital (PKH) @_@

Yea...

Anyway, nothing new to report about. I'll just do the shortcut way again as I don't have much time to construct proper sentences and compositions XD LOL...

1) There's a confused Indian in the ward for MANY days and I had to bathe him almost every evening, and the best is... When Leviana was helping me to bathe that patient, she actually pulled his button out because she couldn't undo it and I can hear the button falling into the toilet bowl x.x It makes me feel like she's stripping him (the sexual way XD).
2) Hasanah took my blood and I took hers in the ward when we've got nothing to do (too free!).
3) Unbelievably, there are still people who're surprise to see a MALE NURSE =.=
4) My friends and I did platelet transfusion on a patient and got our experience signed =p

I think that's all the interesting parts though it's still pretty dull x.x LOL...

That's all for now, I've to go and prepare myself for posting now.

Posting Again x.x

My friends have been complaining that I've no updates XD LOL...

Well, as you know, my Izzi has expired and I can't help it when there's nothing to post!

OK, now... I've got important things to post but it's not the right time to post it now =p So I'll only post it when I think the time is right xp Hehe...

So this post is just to let you all know that there's something going on and also I'll start posting tomorrow at Pantai Klang Specialist Medical Centre (PKSMC) for two (2) weeks x.x It's sort of boring there but still better than the boredom I experienced at Pantai Indah Hospital (PIH) XD

One more thing to add on, I've been thinking a lot...

Busy Week

Exams are coming!!!

Guess what?! My notes are still in a mess x.x

I really don't know how am I going to sit for my exams this semester...

So I've decided that I'll be rearranging my notes tomorrow in class =p

By the way, there'll be a figure skating competition this Friday and Saturday at Sunway Pyramid! Ann Kee, Shu Fang and I will be going there to watch! =p

So this week, I'm considered pretty busy, which is good!

I'd rather be busy than free now...

I'm sorry that I won't be able to be posting so often now because I'm busy and my Izzi has finally expired! The worse is yet to come, my dad don't want to renew it anymore T_T

It's Just A Mistake x.x

Guess what?!

The RM20.00 Digi reload I mentioned in my previous post, it was actually a mistake x.x LOL...

Let's say my number is 016-123 4567 and the other party's number happens to be 014-123 4567! LOL... See? It's only that difference XD

As soon as I found out, I certainly transferred the credit back into his number =)

Again, I'm in my college's Computer Lab surfing the net till 4pm because my classmates are having English again!!! x.x I'm so going to die of boredom =.=

Unwanted RM20.00

At about 1000 today, my Digi number was reloaded with RM20.00 by I-don't-know-who! LOL... This is so absurd!

If you want to reload, fine... Ask me first! Can't you show me a little respect?! I'm a living human, OK? =.=

Moreover, I don't like to simply accept money from others like that because it's not mine and I definitely don't deserve it!

If you (the person who reloaded for me) are reading this, please TAKE NOTE! You better be telling me who you are before I found out on my own, then you'll get it from me...

OK, now something else... I took some test randomly just now, I found it on Adrian's Friendster account XD The results are as below:

You are The Devil

Materiality. Material Force. Material temptation; sometimes obsession

The Devil is often a great card for business success; hard work and ambition.

Perhaps the most misunderstood of all the major arcana, the Devil is not really "Satan" at all, but Pan the half-goat nature god and/or Dionysius. These are gods of pleasure and abandon, of wild behavior and unbridled desires. This is a card about ambitions; it is also synonymous with temptation and addiction. On the flip side, however, the card can be a warning to someone who is too restrained, someone who never allows themselves to get passionate or messy or wild - or ambitious. This, too, is a form of enslavement. As a person, the Devil can stand for a man of money or erotic power, aggressive, controlling, or just persuasive. This is not to say a bad man, but certainly a powerful man who is hard to resist. The important thing is to remember that any chain is freely worn. In most cases, you are enslaved only because you allow it.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

It's the same as Adrian's results x.x

Thinking Because Of GOOD Movies

I watched Mamma Mia just now at Aunt Emy's house.

It was FANTASTIC!

I love that movie...

First of all, I think because it's a musical and it has all the songs I favour =p Then, it's storyline is so meaningful that it reflects on me sometimes.

I'll think, will I ever be like this character x.x

I just like movies that make me think a lot, especially thinking on life, my own life...

Talking about thinking of my own life, it's currently in a mess and I really don't know where to start cleaning this pile of mess @_@

I'm definitely lost again.

Change Is Not Favourable To Everyone

Change is definitely not everyone's favourite but it'll still happen no matter how much effort you put in to try to prevent it from happening.

I don't know too...

Many things are also happening around me and I'm just trying to take it easy.

I know, stress has been in place for all of us lately as we're still changing constantly. Not that our feelings are changing but at our age, our environment and situation around us changes rapidly as we still have our studies and careers to pursue. When these changes take place, naturally, and relationships will also be affected.

I couldn't forget when I was still in primary school, I had two very close friends, a boy (N) and a girl (K)... We always hang out during recess and played lots of games together. We have even set up a so called 'club' XD LOL... Those were the times... When we're in secondary school, we started to drift apart although N and I are still in the same class (K was no longer our classmate then)... Guess what? I couldn't even remember the last time we saw each other! LOL...

I hope you see my point from the above story XD No matter how, I'll still try my best to retain our relationship =)

Just take things easy, I know it wouldn't be as easy as saying it... Well, I'm also facing the same problem here x.x So I'm trying to let time to take over some things but as everyone knows, I'm quite an anxious person, so it's hard for me too...

Just take care of yourself and take it easy =)

Dinner With Adrian

I had dinner with Adrian just now and I just came home from Summit =p

We talked, laughed and teased, quite fun and enjoyable =)

I'm satisfied for now.

My Sport

I'm once again stuck in the college now, nothing to do x.x

Actually, I'm rather looking forward to go for my skating lesson later this evening =p

I don't know why but I have this urge of skating everyday! I feel like I'm IN LOVE with figure skating!!! I like the cold wind brush across my face, I feel so free, easy and care-free. I hope I've found MY SPORT this time.

It's not that cheerleading isn't my sport, but I haven't got the time to commit into it and it's a really demanding sport. They're having long-hours practices, which are very tiring and their practice venues are at Damansara, can you imagine the distance that I've got to travel if I were to continue? Needless to say, the exhaustion will definitely cause me to slack in my studies...

Well, until today, this moment, I'm still very excited with my new pair of figure skates =p

My coach asked if I wanted to join the competition this year, that gave me a shock as I'm still pretty new in this. I've only started my lessons about six months ago and she's asking me to join the competition, that's madness, I don't even know how the competition works and everything. What's more when I can still see that there're many small kids out there skating better than I do, what are the chances of me winning? LOL... I'll just make a fool out of myself if I were to join XD

So I think I'll just observe the competition this year and I'll consider it next year... I think this is a much more rational move =)

In The Middle Of The Night

Look at the time! I'm also wondering what am I doing now at such time at night x.x

The truth is, I once again cried at Chi's unit =.=

What to do?

Anyway, I was playing a new game just now =p It's known as Grand Theft Auto III, not that I like games a lot but I thought playing some games might help me to release my tension a little xp

Believe it or not, I've only played for about two hours and I think the game is starting to bore me x.x LOL...

Rotting At College

Guess where am I now?

I'm actually in the college's Computer Lab and look what I'm doing in there? Posting articles in my blog x.x LOL...

Well, it's pretty boring here now because I've got no class as my other classmates are having English class, I don't have to attend because my English level has proven to be sufficient for nursing after an assessment XD

I'm so bored here that I read all the articles that I've posted in my blog just now and realised there are relatively many articles about Adrian x.x LOL... The truth is, I still love him very much. I think that's a pretty well-known truth, isn't it?

Anyway, I've just finished my formative examinations earlier this morning. I think I didn't do quite well for my Sociology and GIT x.x For goodness sake, I actually put Ciprobay's dosage as 600mg when it's suppose to be only 200mg!!! Look at the difference! x.x I'm so dead...

People in the community, be thankful I'm not doing medicine, or else I would've easily prescribe the wrong dosage of drugs for you XD LOL...

So, I think I'll just end here because it's quite dangerous to continue writing here as anyone could've come into the lab anytime catching me writing articles for my blog -.-

For your extra information, I have to stay out of class until 1600 because that's when their English class ends; and stay in class until 1700 because that's when college ends for the day x.x

The Truth Of LIfe?

In life, just don't trust people who change their feelings with time.

Instead, trust those people whose feelings remain the same, even when the time changes.
____________________

We make those who care for us cry.
We cry for those who never care for us.
And we care for those who will never cry for us.

This is the truth of life, it's strange but true.
Once you realise this, it's never too late to change.
____________________

Never explain yourself to anyone.

Because the person who likes you doesn't need it,
and the person dislikes you won't believe it.
____________________

Don't let someone become a priority in your life,
when you're just an option in their life...

Relationships work best when they are balanced.

Satisfaction

I'm satisfied!

Last night after my skating practice (yea, I went for practice again XD), I went to Summit's Popular Sale at Ground Floor around 9.30pm and I saw Adrian there.

I waited for him to finish work at around 11.30pm, then I sent him home =p

It was a pleasure for me to be able to send him home, I felt very satisfying and happy =) Thank you, Adrian, for giving me this chance!

We've never talked that long for a very long time now and that made me more satisfying XD

After I sent him home, I drove home straight. When I reach home, I saw his BIG orange-coloured water bottle in my car's hind seat. He's forgotten to take it home with him x.x

So I washed it, refilled it and returned it to him earlier this evening.

To me, these are the least care I could offer him for now. However, by caring for him this way, had given me lots of satisfaction =)

My love for you stands strong, my dear...

New Figure Skates!

First and foremost, please accept my sincere apologies for not posting any pictures of my new skates XD

Well, you know how lazy I could be when it comes to uploading pictures. So please pardon my laziness x.x

I received it on Friday morning at 10.30am from DHL. I was so excited and happy! =p

Right on that evening, I went to Sunway Pyramid Ice to try out my new skates =p I've never felt that excitement in my life for a very long time now! The feeling was great and wonderful!

The new skates gave me better grip on ice, so I could execute most of my skills in a better and a more stable manner now =) I'm so happy!

Titanic, Great Production

Daycare Ward was so empty today after 1pm...

That's also the time when Titanic was showing on Star Movies, so most of us was actually watching x.x I know, not professional at all XD LOL...

Even Staff Nurse Dennis was sitting on the couch watching! LOL...

When it comes to the part when Jack was locked up in a room and Rose found him... Jack asked her to go out and get help, Jack put all his faith and trust in her that she'll return in time to save him. That scene seems so 'familiar'.

My meaning of familiar is slightly different here. Familiar means his faith and trust for her reminds me of the faith and trust I used to put on Adrian, and I was thinking again x.x

I know it's so stupid but I just couldn't help it, I believed in him so hard and I put so much hope on him that he'll return right after his examinations but I'm sorry to say that he'd disappointed me.

No matter how much bad memories the movie could trigger me, I still LOVE the movie very much!

Titanic, the best ever production of its time! Bravo!

I Changed My Own Posting Roster XD

I'm suppose to do my posting at CDU (Central Diagnostic Unit), where they have all the endoscopies, colonoscopies, EEGs, stress tests and other diagnostic tests done there. I was there the first day and it's very boring x.x Although there are many things to see but it's enough for me after seeing it once XD

So on Tuesday onwards, I went to the Day Care Ward just beside it to help out. I find it more interesting there as I get to practise there as well... Besides that, I met a 'cool' Staff Nurse there too! LOL... She'd kill me if she ever read this xp

Anyway, her name's Casandra and she's got this attitude and personality of her own... I wouldn't say it's a negative attitude and personality, but I'll neither say it's positive too XD She's the type where she could be playful at the right time and be very responsible on he duty.

I'm also very happy and delighted that I'm able to stick a 20G cannula in a female patient's vein now =p Well, it might not seem to be an achievement to many of the medical personnel, but it is an accomplishment to me because it wasn't easy for me and I did it. I have much more confident now in doing cannulation! Woohoo...

I Have A Thought

Calcutta.

That's the place I'll first visit after I've achieved my Master of Science in Nursing.

I've decided and my mind is set to do so.

There's just this strong and sudden urge that's pushing me to do so. They really need lots of manpower there to care for the poor and the dying, and I'm sure I'll do a very good nursing job there =)

Besides, I think it'll provide me a life time experience. An experience to witness the worst conditions of poverty.

Calcutta, here I come!

Updates (A really brief one xp)

Everyone in the world knows that it's Valentine's Day today, but not everyone wants it...

A few of my friends including me wouldn't want it... I guess, it's because we're still single x.x LOL...

Anyway, my life's been a busy one lately at the ward. Can you imagine, 36 patients (full house) with only two Staff Nurses, an Assistant Nurse and three Student Nurses! Ratio of nurses to patients? 1:6!!! That's madness...

We don't even have enough time to finish up our observations on all the patients on time... What's more when we still have to chart their observations when it's done? In conclusion, we were working like cows XD

That's what's been happening...

For today, I'll be going to Genting! Woohoo... Haven't been there for a very long time, I've actually planned this trip long ago on this very same day too. However, the person I've planned to go with and the people I'm going with today is different... No matter how, I'm still glad that I'm going with my friends! =p We'll have lots of fun =)

My Career Goals

I've decided.

I'll just concentrate on my career and not think of anything else, I'll just let every other thing to come naturally as it is suppose to be.

My Career Goals
01) Finish my Diploma in Nursing.
02) Work at Singapore for a year.
03) Pay off my remaining bond with Singapore.
04) Get my register with NMC.
05) Work at UK until I've got enough money to do my post basic in emergency nursing.
06) Do my post basic in emergency nursing.
07) Continue working at UK until I've got enough money to do midwifery.
08) Do my midwifery certification.
09) Continue working at UK until I've got enough money to do my Bachelor of Science in Nursing.
10) Do my Bachelor of Science in Nursing.
11) Continue working at UK for another year.
12) Travel around the World while doing per diem nursing.
13) Continue working at UK until I've got enough money to do my Master of Science in Nursing.
14) Do my Master of Science in Nursing.
15) Volunteer myself to rural countries like South Africa, India, etc from time to time while working at UK until I've got enough money to do my Doctor of Nursing Practice.
16) Do my Doctor of Nursing Practice.
17) Continue working at UK or other countries until I retire.
18) Retire.

How's it like? Too far away? LOL...

When there's a dream, there're always ways to achieve them.

Say 'NO!' To Anyone New

I'm just not ready, that's all I can say. I also don't know when will I be ready, it's just getting harder and more painful by the days.

It's not that I'm not trying, but I just can't seem to get use to the feeling. I still feel so lost, most of the time. I miss the words I like to hear from him, that no longer exist. My whole person just seems wrong, so wrong till I don't know how to describe it any further.

Honestly, I still cry most of the nights before I sleep.

I'm actually really happy with whoever I have with me now, and I'm too tired to start anything new. So, I don't think finding-someone-new would come to my mind anytime soon.

I'm really thankful for the people who still love me now (you know who you are =)). I'll appreciate my every moment with these people.
__________________________________________________

I went to Popular, Sunway Pyramid just now and I saw him at one of the sections. I went over and said 'Hi,' to him, he replied with a dull 'Hi,' and just walked away.

Was he trying to avoid me? Why would he do so?

I really don't know the answers to these questions.

I'm just disappointed at the way he treats me now, can't we be friends again even after separation? Why not?!

Torturous Night

I was on night shift last night, and I never knew it could be this torturous to wait for 0700 to come x.x

I was looking at the clock ticking, seconds by seconds; minutes by minutes; hours by hours...

TORTUROUS.

When I reached home around 0800, my eyelids were so heavy, I could barely open them for another second! Gosh...

It's not like the ward's busy, but the waiting is tiring, PLUS, it's midnight... I'm still not in the nocturnal mode yet XD
__________________________________________________

I know I haven't post anything about my Chinese New Year (CNY), but there's nothing much or interesting about it. I'm just not in the mood for it this year and I don't know why...

I just went back to Ipoh on the second day of CNY.
__________________________________________________

Yea, I still miss him very much. Sometimes I miss him so badly that I'll start to cry again x.x

Brian told me before that the phrase 'time heals everything' is not true, he claims that time is the thing that will only make you GET USED to the stinky feeling, not heal. Surprisingly, I totally agree with him! Unfortunately, I'm still not used to the feeling yet...

The Condition Of Our Hostel *embarrassing* x.x

The picture above will do all the speaking for me this time, I don't have to describe the condition.

This scene is definitely from the kitchen, and try guessing how many days has it been like this?

Weeks!!!

Yea, you won't believe it! Sometimes people just don't know how to wash it once they're done. We never had such problems until the juniors come in.

Now, the college is trying to place a foreign tutor to stay with us. See how embarrassing is it? x.x

Such condition disgusts me very much.

It's more like a pig sty rather than a hostel for HUMANS.

Influence

I happened to realise something.

Every evening, I'll do my push-ups and sit-ups... It's became a habit to me. Thinking back, this habit is actually instilled by Adrian, it's a good influence from him XD LOL...

I remember he once told me, 'I want the both of us to be healthy and fit.'

So even though I don't have time and don't quite like jogging, he urged me to do some exercise at home on my own to keep myself healthy and fit =) From then on, I did as I was told (I'm a very good boy xp)...

Eventually, it became a habit to me now.

Hypocrisy

How hypocritical can one be?!

I learnt a lesson today, and I've promised myself to not trust anyone so easily anymore!

When you treat someone well, they just don't appreciate it. I don't know why, but there are just many hypocrites appearing to me nowadays...

I'm definitely disgusted by their act.

I must really upgrade my 'Firewalls' to the highest level possible!

I'll not let this repeat again, and don't you hypocrites dare come near me and take freaking advantage of me then turn around and back stab me! Such attitude is not acceptable, it's just simply not acceptable.

I promise I'll not have pity on you.

I promise I'll ward you away from me. So far away that I could no longer see how hypocritical you are because hypocrisy DISGUSTS me very much!

Presentation Done =.=

Yea, the presentation for Anal Fistula I did last night was done... Unfortunately, it wasn't done by me!!! What a waste of time to prepare that presentation and someone presented it, and it wasn't even presented with the slides that I've prepared!

Great, isn't it?

I was really disappointed.

What to do? The Tutors here have the absolute authority x.x

It's an autocratic community here.

I'm Still Awake Because Of Presentation

Anal fistula happens to be the presentation I'm working on tonight, and I've just finished it. Look at the time!!! Oh, gosh... Looks like I'm improving in being a nocturnal breed x.x

Ms Uhsa said that she wanted it to be presented tomorrow, that's why I'm doing it till the middle of the night. Well, no doubt, the 'last minute' attitude also contributes to it @_@

Come on! What happened to my new year resolutions?! >_<

Memento

Everyone's been asking, why is that thing still around your ankle?

I never knew the exact answer to tell them but I thought, it's not yet time to remove it. Simply because I still LOVE him.

It's a gift from him to me, in fact, it's the ONLY gift I've ever received from him. It is that important.

This ankle-band contains many memories, so many that it meant more than just merely a memento. I just couldn't let it go now, perhaps time but I really don't know how long will I take.

I could still remember so clearly the day when he tied the ankle-band on me. I asked if the ankle-band is used to tie me down to him forever.

He answered, 'YES.'

I think I'm just an ignorant fool to him now, a fool that wouldn't accept the changed reality.

Love Described

'Love is long-suffering and kind. Love is not jealous, it does not brag, does not get puffed up, does not behave indecently, does not look for its own interests, does not become provoked. It does not keep account of the injury. It does not rejoice over unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.' -1Co 13:4-7

I got this from a bible, obviously... LOL...

No matter how much of a freethinker I am, I find these words very truthful as it is how I really feel towards you, except maybe the 'does not behave indecently' x.x

Well, relationships in our circle are significantly very different from the 'ordinary' ones. So comparisons are strictly not allowed.

Anyway, it doesn't seem indecent to us XD

Someone New

NEW should be an adjective that's happy, amusing and satisfying...

None of the above is describing how I'm feeling now, in fact, I'm feeling exactly the opposite of ALL!

I just got to know that he's found someone new yesterday night. I sounded very happy for him but I was crying and sobbing like an ugly child at the other side.

When he asked for a break up from me, he said that he needed more time on his own to deal with his problems, studies, mother-stress, sports, and many others... Then within a month we broke up, he found SOMEONE NEW. I broke down in tears when he confirmed my instincts, I had to ask him to find out, he didn't tell me out of a sudden...

I can very consciously tell that I still love him very much, very strong.

Then today, when I sent him a message asking something, he didn't reply for hours, then I sent another thinking that he's forgotten about replying me, maybe... After that, here he is, telling the FINAL TRUTH.

'Oh my god u just don get it don't you if i don't reply u its because i've got sumthin to do dat is the only reason i ended our relationship but u still do it even after we break up'

This is what exactly he sent me in his text message. So now he's trying to tell me that he broke up with me is just because I've been bugging him all these while, and not the problems, studies, mother-stress, sports, and many more?

Am I that annoying, disturbing and/or irritating?

I've been telling him constantly, if you ever find me annoying, disturbing or irritating, please let me know instantly! I've been reminding him ALL THE TIME, and he always says 'No'...

I know I could be very demanding for a reply most of the times, that's why I asked and reminded to prevent what's happening right now from happening... I knew it! Still I couldn't prevent it, I feel so dumb and stupid now T_T

I cried and sobbed the whole night at my close friends' unit last night, and had heavy supper in there. I just had to eat, I was so hungry after all the crying and sobbing...

I was there with many caring friends until about 1.30am, then I went back to my own unit. I laid myself on the bed, hoping to sleep soon as my eyes were really sore and tired but images of him and the times we had together kept on appearing. I felt like crying again, but I felt as if I haven't got anymore tears left to continue crying... So yea, sleepless night was the conclusion.

Then when I woke up this morning, eyes were still sore. I did my morning routine and went to college. We've got three lectures today, and all three tutors asked if I'm OK x.x I think I really looked like an ugly pig today with the sore eyes, fatigue and emotion-look... I know I was very emotional the whole day, even now, I can't help but keep thinking of our happy days that we used to have. No worries, nothing. My mother also realised something is wrong until she asked if I'm alright, she rarely ask me such questions!

Great, Calvin the Great Actor has finally failed to deceive even one person for once.

I don't think Adrian knows about this blog but I think I should tell him and ask him to read how my feelings are because I really don't know how am I suppose to express how I feel to him, or does it still matter to him?

Emptiness

I feel so empty today...

I actually don't know what to post today, but really feel like posting something. So here I am posting 'something', while thinking of 'someone' at the same time.

As mentioned, I feel empty maybe because I'm neglected? Please don't ask me how am I neglected, if I knew, I would've solved the problem instead of posting 'rubbish' here x.x

By the way, I was talking to Andrew on the phone just now and he told me that there are people who're actually annoyed by the way I speak!!! Oh gosh... I really didn't know that until this day!

He commented that I'm speaking in a very formal manner. Well, I might realise that but I really didn't know it'll annoy people! LOL... Anyway, many of my friends believe that my formality is due to my family background and the way I'm brought up. So I guess that explains it all, only close friends understand me xp

I think they're the only people who could stand me, is it so? XD LOL...

Permission Granted

Yay!!!

I've finally got the green light from my mother to buy my long awaited Riedell 117 Red Ribbon, but of course, I'll have to bear the cost on my own x.x

Still, I'm really happy that she allowed me to have my own pair of skates!

Priorities

I realised something.

I realised that from the day Adrian put his other commitments before me, no one is placing me as their first priority anymore, NOT A SINGLE person... I no longer feel like I'm the 'someone' anymore.

I know my parents had always been placing me first, but the 'first' is shared among others as well, like my brother... I need a concentrated 'FIRST'.

I know how demanding I can get XD It's just something I've longed for and I got it once but have lost it now...

Well, I also have close friends, like REALLY CLOSE, but that friend just couldn't place me first as well. Please get me right, I'm not blaming or putting fault in anyone because I know that everyone has got their own commitment and their priorities are really on their very own discretion. Strictly not to be questioned.

I just feel so troubled and I'm trying to find myself again in such life, a life where no one's able to give me the concentrated 'FIRST'.

Resolutions For Year 2009

A new year always comes with new resolutions!

Now these are my resolutions for year 2009:
1) Study smart.
2) Achieving 3.5 CGPA and above.
3) Behave myself in college.
4) Don't allow any Tutors or Clinical Instructors to be able to find fault in me.
5) Save more money for rainy days.
6) Spend wisely on necessary expenditures.
7) Not hunting for a new partner, so I could focus more on my studies.
8) Not allowing anyone to hurt the fragile me anymore (Firewalls UP!).
9) Gain more respect from everyone.
10) Dedicate more time on ice skating lessons.
11) Dedicate more time for SJAM (St John Ambulance of Malaysia) activities.
12) Dedicate more time for CHARM activities.
13) Be a superhero for being able to dedicate time for so many things at once XD
14) Be more observant.
15) Be more caring.
16) Be more loving.
17) Evaluate myself more frequently.
18) Stop the 'last minute habit'.
19) Use an organiser throughout the year.
20) Have more fun with friends.

I think 20 resolutions are enough for a year XD Hehe...

By the way, I was at Sungai Wang for the countdown last night. I was on SJAM duty and it was crazy over there! Everyone was spraying the party sprays like they're free... It's polluting the air and most of us had mild difficulty in breathing, it wasn't that bad but it was so bad that I had to come home and take Piriton, an anti-histamine xp My nose was blocked and I was sneezing away! LOL...

Besides that, it was fun =)

HAPPY NEW YEAR!